Emma Hits Rock BottomIt’s been hectic this past couple of weeks. I did the interview with Annabella, then I met Martin Fry from ABC (in a cheap caff in Notting Hill Gate – and I had to pay for the teas – bloody cheek!), then there was an interview with the Stranglers. They turned up two hours late and their press person warned me not to annoy Jean Jacques Burnel because he doesn’t like journalists, apparently, and Barry (the Flexipop! editor) said Jean Jacques would probably throw me out of the window and then he laughed and added, “...and I’d give him a helping hand myself!”
Very dry sense of humour, that Barry. He wasn’t in a good mood though, really, as he’d bought 200 red carnations from the local florist. He wanted a picture of The Stranglers lying on the floor covered in flowers for some reason and he’d asked the florist if he could rent a few bunches and take them back when we’d finished, but she was having none of it. “The only flower that leaves this shop is a flower that’s bought,” she said, “We don’t do sale or return, you know.” In the end Barry negotiated a 20 per cent discount and she chucked in a free cactus.
Anyway, back to the big news, which I was about to tell you before all this work got in the way, about Emma and her new boyfriend. He is, it now transpires, not a Spanish contortionist at all but, au contraire, a novelty act by the name of Elvis Aris (‘the amazing bottom impersonator’) who has made it big (according to Emma, who didn’t actually specify what ‘it’ might be but, given her well-known predilections, I think I can hazard a guess) on the club circuit up North.
The gist of his act, as far as I can gather, is that his talented buttocks do impressions of famous people. He exposes his bum to the awe-struck audience and, thanks to extraordinary muscle coordination, a bit of miming and a few well-placed props, he entertains them with hour after hour of life-like impersonations of celebrities past and present. Sir Winston Churchill is one of his specialities – he does the ‘This is our finest hour’ speech, complete with cigar! He also mimes to the hits of the late and great Elvis Presley – Love Me Tender, Jail House Rock and (the climax of his show) All Shook Up.
Emma really does have some very strange tastes in men. Norm is the only boyfriend she’s had who would merge into a crowd. Unfortunately for Norm, he is so mergeable that, once merged, you’d never be able to find him again. Personally, I reckon Elvis Aris is just one of her passing infatuations. I have no doubt that he could entertain her of an evening in ways that are unknown to Norm. All the same, if you want my view, her heart belongs to Norm when all is said and done...
Oh, I’ve just remembered. I haven’t brought you up to date with Kevin’s latest exploits, have I? He’s mixing in with a bad crowd, if you want my opinion. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude but, I mean to say, the baby oil was bad enough, but the snake is taking it all one step too far!
More on that later...