A Case Of Mistaken Identity
I was approached by a policeman on Kentish Town High Street today. My first thought was that he’d found out about that little incident with me and George Michael in the Camden Palace last week. But no, it turned out that he wanted me for an identity parade. Said I looked just like the suspect so I’d be ideal.Spent the afternoon waiting around in this dingy little room with a load of other hunky young men who were also in the identity parade. None of them looked anything like me. Apart from a general air of hunkiness, that is. They were all years younger than me, though. And they all had blond hair. Then I realised it must have been the streaks that done it – made the policeman choose me, I mean. I had them put in last week by that hairdresser’s opposite the cinema in Camden Town. Must make me look blonder than I’d realised. And younger...
Then, eventually they brought in this little weasely bloke. He was the suspect, apparently. I wouldn’t like to think that anyone would mistake me for him! Not hunky at all. And he had black hair. That struck me as funny, what with everyone else being on the lighter side of the spectrum. Maybe he dyed hair his black so he wouldn’t be spotted in the line-up? Anyway, after a bit, this woman comes in. Turns out he’d snatched her handbag. The silly old bat walked right past the suspect (who anyone with two brain cells to rub together could tell was the villain!) without batting an eyelid. Told the policeman she couldn’t recognise anyone. When she went out the weasel practically whooped with laughter. Then he came round and shook all our hands and thanked us for doing such a great job. I felt like an accessory after the fact. Especially when the policeman came and gave each of us a fiver (except for the weasel who got nothing). Not a bribe, but normal procedure, it appears. I went right round to Woolworth’s after and blew my ill-gotten gains on a packet of L’Oreal wash-in auburn.
I’ve decided the blond streaks aren’t really me after all….
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